Project Natal – Screw Clever Headlines, it’s Going to Suck

I don’t usually do full on rants on POWSO, because I try to measure my voice and not scare kids away, but considering the kind of stuff on the internet, I think I can get away with at least harsh tones for just one article. Wouldn’t you know: I’m using those tones in an article AGAINST MICROSOFT:

Project Natal, oh my, what wondrous technology. Visions flash in my mind of hundreds of mech warrior type soldier robots being controlled remotely by soldiers and fighting wars safely from hidden bases where cameras a la Natal read their body movement and relay that movement to the mechs on the battlefront. Yet, thunder crashes and the bots all go hokey and begin dancing on the battlefield while a soldier desperately tries to make it lob a grenade. Another is jumping when his human counterpart tries furiously to reload its clip. Two others are locked in robo-sexual embrace as their controllers are trying to remember the gesture for flame thrower.

Why such a terrible vision of the gesture controlled camera technology? Because it’s fucking Microsoft that’s why. Microsoft doesn’t make the leaps forward, it steals them and charges people for the: Windows OS, the XBOX, the XBOX 360, XBOX Live, and I don’t even know that much about Microsoft corp, but I do know that what Microsoft does well is take an existing system and implement it in their own way and charge people out the ass for it because their name is on it. XBOX Live? That’s just the fucking PSN (and I still pay for it). The XBOX? Just a restyled PS2, the 360? Just a restyled PS2 again (still running on DVD tech).

So, why can’t I get on board with the Natal? I’m more confused by why everyone is so on board with it. Let’s all be honest for a quick minute: those Nintendo Wii ads with the entire family standing, smiling and actively acting out the motion controls for tennis or golf: how many of us really do that? Don’t worry, I won’t think you’re lazy if you say never, or even hardly ever. After all: It’s a FUCKING VIDEO GAME. Get exercise elsewhere, enjoy a game on your console and relax. I should state here though that I’m all for supplemental technology on the existing formula. I think using motion read controls through the camera can be a fun supplement to the traditional controls. An independent and exclusive system for game control, which is what it’s being hailed as “revolutionary” for? I have major issues with that kind of a leap.

When I first got my Wii I was standing up doing the full motions, but after an hour or so (at the example of my stoner friend), I began sitting down and acting the motions more subtly and comfortably. To this day if I want to relax with video games, just the mild wrist gyration of dealing with Twilight Princess’ combat system irks me and I wind up settling for a PS3 or 360 game instead. And this is even considering that I can sit down with my wiimote and nunchuck and just do smaller gestures with just my wrists. Natal will require you to stand and move in full gesticulation for control. Lazy gamers (which is a redundancy, I realize) beware.

So, do you see the problem with Natal? Let’s assume, in spite of my earlier vision, that the camera system does work and developers are able to implement it into their games to some degree of efficacy: how many games are going to be cash cow showvelware riding the new system to a quick paycheck in Microsoft’s new goal to be the “bigger better Wii.” The games’ll obviously sell under the Natal banner, and I guarantee most will be shit. If you’re idealist enough to think there’ll be some kind of standard enforced by Microsoft, then I have to say it: you don’t belong on this website because you’re living in a candy coated fantasy world and need to pull your head out of your ass. It happened on Nintendo, and it can happen again. You think the developer whose consoles have a 45% fail rate (within warranty) is going to enforce the quality of Natal products when they’re getting back cash on the publishing rights? If you do then you’re obviously the kind of person who tells which way is left by which hand forms an “L.”

Even if the games aren’t glitchy, even if the games are fun, there’s still the other problem I mentioned before: laziness. These things are games, and gamers are lazy. No one wants to come home from work to unwind by gyrating madly in front of their TVs to play a video game. We play video games with controllers because we want to sit and relax even if it does require mental focus. Yes, there are people who will be immensely entertained by the Natal product. They’re the kind of people who go to parties in shirts with the top three buttons undone and enough product in their hair to light the way for Santa on a foggy night if a match catches them, and who drink Heinekens because they like the commercials (and couldn’t tell the difference between a Heiny and a PBR). They’ll drunkenly muse over how amazing the system is, toss around words like “graphics” and the “gameplay” to make it sound like they know gaming, and reminisce about the days of “super marios” and how far we’ve come, and only want to play the game again when the next hot girl at a party drunkenly decides she wants to play Natal Sports.

As for us gamers? Is it really worth the hundred some dollars we know the system is going to drain from our pockets (because Microsoft is crafty with a price tag) to play on a system that is going to be questionably if not poorly implemented, and very easily a gimmick that we’ll all get tired of. I’m expecting huge sales responses to the Natal, and I’m probably going to play it while I drink a Sam Adams and tool on that guy drinking his Heineken at the aforementioned party. However, I don’t think I’ll remember the Natal long enough to write a follow up article in a year about how I was right and the system was a gimmicky fad that no one really plays anymore. If I’m wrong, then I’ll be right here to apologize for it, but considering that it’s Microsoft, I think I’m running pretty good odds.

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